So. I got tagged on facebook. I don't know how I feel about tags. When I get tagged on the playground, I know what to do. I'm actually pretty good at tag. Probably because instead of running from the other person, which would only show off my phenomenally embarrassing athletic skills, I face them like a woman, and slap them back before they have time to run. I especially like freeze tag, maybe because you get to rest. I don't understand internet tag. Oh! Tag! Snap! Now you HAVE to throw a sheep at me or turn twenty people into vampires or kidnap me to Italy with a boot or take a survey designed for 12 year olds trying to out each other's crushes and brag about how many people they've kissed. Awesome. And yet, there is some evil property about the tag that make me feel like I have to pass it on. Therefore, I reveal for you, twenty-five things I would rather be doing than tagging you.
1. Poking you. Because for some reason, this is way cooler than any other application on facebook. And I'm talking old school simple poke, not throwing octopuses or making out with or some such nonsense. Consider yourselves all poked.
2. Making cookies. Would you like another invitation to join my mafia, or a plate of cookies? That's what I thought.
3. Sleeping. Because it takes energy to turn down the zillions of invitations I get every day. Click. Click. Click. Carpal tunnel.
4. Watching the West Wing. I think it is my goal to mention The West Wing in every post ever from now on. I'm going to start a mass e-mail featuring a West Wing Quiz. And a West Wing facebook app where I invite you to join my presidential campaign.
5. Playing real tag with Madeline. Because she's not very good at it and the poor girl needs practice. Also because she's cuter than all of you put together, and has no facebook profile for me to bug her on.
6. Reading my library books so that I can pretend to be cultured and stuff. Because there is no honor in bragging at a party about how many people you've dropkicked on facebook, but you know if I ever finish Atlas Shrugged, I am going to look so cool. If only because I read a really freaking long book AND kept a baby alive at the same time.
7. Aerobic walking. Which, I admit, is only marginally more fun than taking internet surveys, but infinitely better for my abs. Supposedly.
8. Playing pinochle. No explanation needed there.
9. Critiquing Jessie's papers for school. Apparently I am a freak and this is fun for me. Unfortunately, I think Jessie would rather I recruited him to my online zombie army. He thinks I'm a grammatical snob.
10. Writing e-mails. Because amazingly, it's more fun for me to write personal messages to my friends and family instead of inviting them to my Ultimate Circle of Coolest Facebook Friends Ever and considering that our socialization for the week.
11. Reading random people's blogs. Unless their posts are all surveys/tags. Please be original, people. For the sake of the random people you don't know who are stalking you through your blog.
12. Taking pictures of Madeline. Because, I remind you, she is cuter than all of you put together.
13. Playing games with Jessie. As long as I win.
14. Laughing at stupid people on Judge Judy. Because let's be honest. No matter how stupid you may appear by imagining that I care whether you prefer chocolate or vanilla ice cream or that your favorite thing to do at 3 AM is clip your toenails, the people on Judge Judy are invariably stupider, and thus more entertaining. (And yes, I know stupider is not a word. I don't care.)
15. Reading the news. Because maybe that will be more useful to me today than sending you a piece of flair telling you it's cold outside. Go read a weather report. Or go outside.
16. Doing the laundry. Because I like clean clothes better than the free flower you sent me on facebook. Which isn't a real flower by the way. It's a picture of a flower. And a small one at that.
17. Reading Dear Abby. If they had a Dear Abby facebook app, maybe I would add it.
18. Sledding. Not for any good reason. I just have the sudden urge to go sledding.
19. Blogging. Because let's admit it. I'm hilarious. My blogs are like a gift to humanity. And they showcase my incredible wit and sarcasm.
20. Cleaning my house. And I don't even really like cleaning my house. I'd just rather be doing it than tagging you.
21. Fiddling around with the keyboard Jessie got me for Christmas. Because one of these days I'm going to learn to play the piano brilliantly and start my worldwide tour. And you'll be able to say you tagged me in your 25 things on facebook. And people will be impressed.
22. Shopping. So I can buy myself a real flower.
23. My dishes. Okay, let's not kid ourselves. I'd much rather throw an octopus at you than do the dishes. You caught me.
24. Pretty much do anything with Jessie, because aside from Madeline, he's the cutest person in this family. And he's never tried to turn me into a vampire or a zombie.
25. I refuse to tell you anymore things I'd rather be doing, simply because who the heck said there have to be twenty-five of anything? Who came up with that number? So be content with the 24 things I'd rather be doing. I hereby set everyone free from the tag and command you to write whatever you want about yourself, whenever you want. If you want to be cool too, write 25 or 13 or 108 random things about yourself. Or blog about the virtues of penguins. Or go watch Judge Judy. I'm really not too fussed about it.
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