Amended

Question.

If Madeline spilled an entire box of cereal from the pantry on the table, but didn't actually use a chair to procure it, does this mean she's violated the truce and I am free to declare war?

Madeline and I reach a truce.

So we've had this problem in our kitchen. It can pretty much be summed up by these two words: moveable chairs. Well, and maybe throw in one more word to make the problem absolutely clear: Madeline. Ever since she figured out how to push chairs around, our kitchen has been a disaster zone. She climbs onto counters to get at the bubbles in the highest cupboard. She tries to get down her own food. She hid the food coloring from me. I only knew she hid it because she came to me with bright blue lips. It took several hours before she would show me where she hid the bottle. She gives her doll baths in the sink and tries to make phone calls on my digital thermometer. She bunches up the rug and goes through the mail on the counter.

I thought about screwing the chairs into the floor. The cost, the damage to the floor, and the obvious inconvenience and impracticality of not being able to move our chairs won out. But I was sorely tempted. I thought about getting an Asian style table and sitting on mats. But I'm pretty sure that would get old pretty fast.

So. We have been dealing with it. But today I am hopeful. I think all the timeouts might be having an effect. Madeline seems ready to make a compromise. This is our deal: If she keeps the chair out of the pantry, doesn't wash things in the sink, and doesn't climb on the counters, everything else is fair game. Unlimited digital thermometer minutes. All the bowls she can drum on. Free bananas. And limited access to harmless projects on the counter while Mom is cooking dinner. People told me marriage was all about compromise. They didn't mention that husbands are much easier to trick into favorable compromises than toddlers.

In which we reflect on what makes this blog the best blog ever.

On this, my official 200th blog post, (I say official because my facebook count and my blog count are different due to one preceding the other,) I would like to point out that my blog is not cool. Not for the normal reasons, such as failure to include pictures in every post, a failure to document every interesting thing we've ever done, and failure to go find a cute blog background from a scrapbooking website. No, I noticed lately that everyone who is cool has TWO blogs now. At the minimum. Their personal blog, and their cooking/scrapbooking/sewing/crafting/photography/quote-of-the-day theme blog. I missed the boat, and all I have is this poor, sad lonely little blog that just has to accomodate whatever I decide to ramble about on any given day, regardless of the genre.

I thought about trying to start another, cool blog, for my sad little blog to look up to and link to and go to movies with. So I said to myself, what cool things do I do that I could share with the world? I could have a Madeline's Mess of the Day blog. But that would require taking pictures, because just describing it could never do it justice. And we all know I have no idea where my camera is. I could start a World Domination blog. But that would give away all my plans to the public and defeat the purpose of the thing. If I started an Excel Blog, it would warm the corners of Jessie's heart, but he'd probably steal my blog from me, and I'd turn into a poor little voiceless housewife with no connection to the outside world. I use the same ten recipes over and over and my sewing machine is broken, so there's no help there. Let's just throw oragami out the window right now, for obvious reasons.

Basically, I decided the world will have to do without my expert advice on all things domestic and creative, because I'm going to stick with Cami's Writing Blog. Wherin Cami writes things, for you to read, sometimes daily, sometimes not so often. And my blog will have to be an only child. I would now post a picture for you, in an effort to console you and make my blog awesome, but blogger hates me. And I'm too lazy to find a cute blog background. And you'll just have to wonder what fun and exciting things we did this weekend. They're none of your business.

Madeline can't wait for spring.

Madeline likes to go outside. The problem is that she doesn't like to come back in. Last night we took her baby on a walk around the neighborhood in her doll stroller. This is pretty much her favorite activity ever. I'm thinking of starting a dog walking service to take advantage of this obsession. With small dogs, since Madeline is a very small person. We'll start with Chihuahuas and by the time Madeline leaves elementary school she'll be pulling Saint Bernards and Great Danes around the block and making me a lot of money. Anyway. Back to the point. We cut our walk a little short because it was a bit chilly and Madeline wouldn't let us cover up her hands. We are responsible people and don't let our daughter get frostbite and have to have her fingers amputated. Mostly because then she won't be able to learn piano and we'd have no reason to buy one, and I'd really like a piano someday. We got to the house and walked up the stairs and Madeline threw a fit, because despite her frozen hands and the fact that we pointed out that her baby had no coat and was probably a bit cold in her light summer dress, she did not want to go into the house. We had this same problem playing at the park a while back, when she bit through her lip and was leaking blood onto her jacket, but wanted to keep going down the slide anyway. Basically, I try to avoid taking her out to get the mail or throw out the garbage because of the trauma. Then I feel guilty that I'm confining her to the house. So we face the tantrums every day and lift her bodily into the house. That or lure her in with chocolate. Because I am that awesome of a mother.

On another Madeline note, she has a new favorite song. I'll give you ten guesses what movie it comes from. You won't need all ten. Basically all I have to do is sing, "Oh, Oh, Oh!" And Madeline sings out, "Go! Kite! Up Tighestheight!" Repeat. A hundred times. I predict we will be doing a lot of kite flying when spring arrives. Since we'll be outside all day everyday. Unless we win a lifetime supply of chocolate.

Oh, Canada.

So you think I'd have something to blog about. In the last few days I got old, mostly ignored Valentine's Day, watched the Olympics, and went on a holiday shopping trip. Actually, I'm not feeling very inspired to blog about any of the above. But I will anyway, because I love you. Also because I am watching Mary Poppins again. (Bet you thought we might get through one blog post without mentioning that. No, no, we won't. My life is Mary Poppins and you should all suffer too.) Anyway. Prepare yourself for my random thoughts on theses random events. Go.

Getting old: I am twenty-four. Officially. Twenty-four is a very mathematically pleasing number. I celebrated getting old by having a migraine. Well, I really celebrated by going to Desert Star Playhouse and watching the opening ceremonies. But my head exploding was kind of distracting. Apparently my brain cells were programmed to spontaneously combust after twenty-four years of use. That's okay. I don't need my brain anymore.

Ignoring Valentine's day, mostly: We didn't really celebrate Valentine's Day because we had just gone out for my birthday, and it was on a Sunday, and we don't love each other. Okay, I lied about one of those, probably the Sunday thing. I did make heart shaped ham and pink mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner on Sunday. Jessie is decidedly against changing the color of mashed potatoes, but I do what I want. Madeline was unfazed by pink potatoes. We also ate some cupcakes with hearts in them our neighbors brought us, so we are not total scrooges.

Watching the Olympics: I was enjoying watching the Olympics until I realized that Madeline has now been alive through two of them. Then I freaked out about getting old and stuff. Then I watched them anyway. I enjoyed the whales in the opening ceremony and the crazy drunk fiddling tap dancers. When my head wasn't exploding. I have taught Madeline to say "Go Americans!". And I stayed up too late watching figure skating because I think it's unbelievably awesome a married couple won. And I think if I ever enter the Olympics it will be in sailing or something because watching people fly down hills that fast scares me.

Holiday shopping trip: My sister had the day off work, so we had a girl's shopping day. I spent my birthday money on shoes and clothes. Surprise. And Madeline bought some awesome light up Disney princess boots. Or rather, my mother bought them, because if Madeline has an appreciable source of income, she's keeping it a secret from both myself and the IRS, and I'll report her for the rat fee if I catch her at it.

There. That was my fun and exciting weekend of non-stop action and adventure. Unfortunately, my twenty-four year old body couldn't handle it and I'm feeling lazy and tired today. Heaven help us when I hit twenty-five.

Almost two is a perilous age.

Madeline has recently decided to test the limits of her own mortality. I didn't think she would reach this point until her first college philosophy class, but she was always an early bloomer. All of her recent climbing on chairs and laundry baskets had resulted in a lot of falling off of things and banging her head and various appendages on things. Two days ago she bit her lip hard enough to fill her mouth with blood. Twice. Once while trying to climb up a slide, and once while trying to retrieve some food coloring from the pantry. That same day she was in her first car accident, but that wasn't really her fault. Partly because the other driver hit us from behind, and partly because she wasn't driving, so it would be hard for any insurance company to pin liability on her.

I thought she was getting tired of beating herself up, until her bath this morning, when I discovered she had half a dozen bruises on her legs. Being the wonderful mother I am, I have no idea where they came from. Sometimes we hear loud banging coming from her room at night, so maybe she's kicking the sides of her crib. Forcefully. (And yes, I do go check out loud banging noises coming from my kid's room in the middle of the night. Even if I don't keep track of where her bruises come from. She's always fast asleep when I get in there. I can only assume she's picked up my restless sleeping habits. And strange sleeping positions. But that's another subject.) Anyway. I'm just hoping she makes it to her second birthday alive and reasonably unscathed. I've been assured that millions of toddlers have accomplished this feat before, so the odds are in her favor.

Sometimes I accidentally let my brain get sucked out of my head by bad programming.

I watched the Bachelor tonight. I am not entirely sure why I did that. I have been sucessfully boycotting the Bachelor on the grounds that is entirely stupid and involves way too much drama. I get quite enough drama from Madeline. But tonight, for some reason, I flipped to it, and remembered again how incredibly stupid and self-absorbed these people are, and how inexplicably entertaining it is to watch these people be that stupid and ridiculous. And these are the things I learned.

-If you are going to be on a reality show where you're hoping to find the love of your life and/or get famous and maybe be picked to be the next star, make sure you've got the vacation time. Seriously, why go onto a show if you're expecting to fail and be home in a week or two? It may be an example of lesser stupidity than agreeing to be on the Bachelor in the first place, but still stupid.

-When you agree to be on a ridiculously stupid show where dating/kissing/sleeping with multiple women is encouraged, don't be jealous when the guy is dating/kissing/sleeping with multiple women. You're an idiot. You want a nice monogamous non-slutty relationship, go meet a guy the normal way.

- If you bring a guy home to meet your family and he makes everyone cry, I would consider that a bad thing. Not a good thing. Bring home a guy who makes everyone laugh hysterically and who puts everyone at ease. It will be more boring for a television audience than endless weeping, but if you're not ridiculously stupid, there will be no television audience, so you won't have to worry about that.

- Kissing, as much fun as it may be to do, is really awkward to watch. Even Madeline knows this. The bachelor and one of his harem started making out and Madeline turned to me and said, "Bite? Bite?" I congratulated myself on having a sensible daughter who will probably never make out in front of a camera crew. Probably. Here's hoping. Lesson: Don't make out on national television.

I think that one night of drama and stupid people pretty much fulfilled my need to watch people being dumb, and I can go back to boycotting the show now. Which is a relief. Maybe I'll start a Monday night West Wing marathon. Because I much prefer watching fake drama that knows it is fake.

A post about Madeline. How strange...

Hi there. Apparently blogging at the beginning of a month is a drag for me. This time, though, I have an excuse. Well, let's face it. I always have an excuse. I'm pretty good at excuses. Or rather, Madeline is good for excuse making. This week, she has learned to open doors. Which means I can no longer contain her in one part of the house without locking her in. And she has no qualms about being on a different floor from me any more. She has also learned to move kitchen chairs, invert laundry baskets, and climb on garbage cans. Before, when I was taking a shower, she was content to wreak havoc in her room only. Now I have to scrub down in two minutes flat and run downstairs to pull her out of the pantry, where she is arranging the graham crackers and pouring sprinkles from the top shelf on the floor. Naturally, the pantry door has no lock. (On an unrelated note, do you think I could put her destructive powers to good use by letting her grind the graham crackers into a liquid and marketing it as white gourd juice?) Other fun things she has been doing: trying to wash dishes when I'm not looking, going through all of our filing cabinets, trying to put on my makeup, eating glue sticks, spilling M&Ms, snorting baby powder, and trying to take her baby on walks through the neighborhood unescorted. When she's not trying to get Mary Poppins into the DVD player, of course.

So you can see that there is not much time for blog writing in between chasing my daughter out of the street, cleaning up water on the kitchen floor, hiding pens that had previously been hiding on high counters, and sorting papers and pictures that are in creative patterns on the floor. Until I go so crazy I give in and put Mary Poppins on so that Madeline will sit still for an hour and I can read a book and enjoy sitting on my new couch. My new couch is my happy place. It is ridiculously comfortable. Come visit me and sit on it. Although I must warn you, you may pay for the pleasure by getting to watch Mary Poppins. I sincerely hope you like English accents. Cheerio!

Some new things.

So I have a new picture. Shame on you if you didn't notice. I was talking to Jessie and decided I wanted some more recent pictures in my blog header. And instantly my husband, being the awesome software geek he is, decides to make me one using photoshop. Only he can't just make a normal collage, because there is no challenge in that. So instead he watches some tutorials on youtube about how to fade pictures into each other and gradients and masks and who knows what else. And an hour later, he's still playing with things and having way more fun than I ever anticipated a casual remark about my blog header could inspire. And now there are a ton of faded pictures of us, but mostly of Madeline, because we only take pictures of her. Oh, and my mom and dad are hiding out in there too, for reasons known only to Jessie. Go ahead and play a little Where's Waldo. You know you want to. And if you love it, tell Jessie. It will make his existence worthwhile. If you don't, please keep it to yourself, or he'll be photoshopping the rest of the week and I'll have no one to talk to but a one year old whose vocabulary is pretty much limited at the moment to "broke it", "Poppins", and "lunch".

In other way exciting news: Jessie realized that we're actually getting more money from the government than we originally anticipated. So to celebrate, we spontaneously bought a new sectional. Because there was a really good sale, and because we're pretty sure the piece we selected will make it through our winding stair maze of death and fit into the basement. A picture, just so my blog will continue to visually stimulate you:Sorry for all the dead space. It was a necessary evil. But isn't it pretty? I like all the pillows. Now we can watch movies on the same couch, and still have room for Madeline to bounce around without a elbow in the ribs or a foot in the face. It's coming on Wednesday. Because we paid the delivery people to push it down the winding stair maze of death. We weren't born yesterday.