So I figured we should devote a post to Ethan's vision, because it gets a lot of press time in the real world. A one year old with glasses is apparently quite the crowd pleaser/shocker. So allow me to expound upon how Ethan became a loveable nerd, by answering the questions we get asked all the time. Usually I don't mind when people ask questions, because paparazzi is a noble calling. But some people say really dumb things. We'll get to that. First, the more intelligent questions:
Q: How did you know he needed glasses?
A: A few months before his birthday, he started developing a lazy eye. We didn't notice it for a while, but his eyes started moving separately and crossing at weird times. I asked his pediatrician about it at his 12 month appointment, and she said not to worry and have him join the circus. But I had my heart set on him being an Olympic curler, so we went to see a pediatric ophthalmologist.
Q: How can a baby take an eye exam? They can't talk!A: We went to special baby sign classes where they taught them the hand signals for "blurry", "clear" and "strabismus". Or they do some tests where they dilate the pupils so they can look into the eye with special refractive lenses and measure the strength of prescriptions by the shape of the eye. Modern medicine is pretty fly, yo.
Q: So what is wrong with him?
A: Basically, he has really, really bad eyesight, like +5.5 and +6.0 for those of you with glasses. So his eyes were always turning in and focusing so hard they kind of got screwed up (that's the scientific term for it). A fun thing called esotropia, which basically means his eyes don't move and work together. You can google it if there's nothing on Netflix tonight. Which is basically lazy eye, which means besides the glasses, he also gets to wear a patch 3-4 hours a day. Hooray.
Q: How do you get a one year old to wear glasses?
A: Tell him all the cool kids are doing it. Or if he's not interested in peer pressure, you can follow him around every minute for a week putting them back on every time he takes them off until he gets tired of yelling and screaming and being tortured and resigns himself to his fate. It's a fun process, filled with laughter, joy, and candy. Which, incidentally, is a fun trick to play: put a cookie in each hand and then slip on the glasses. If you're lucky, he'll cry because he hates the glasses but be unwilling to relinquish the cookies. Ha ha ha ha. (That was an evil villain laugh.)
Q: How long did it take to get him to wear glasses?
A: About 3-4 weeks before I could do the dishes without worrying he was doing drugs in the bathroom while I wasn't looking....I mean 3-4 weeks before he was a good little nerd.
Q: How do you get a baby to wear a patch?
A: I will pay good money for the answer to this question. Otherwise, see above. It's basically the same process.
Q: How long until he was used to the patch?
A: Never.
Q: He is so darn cute in glasses. Aren't you so glad he gets to wear them?
A: Well, if it was up to us, we would prefer he was able to see stuff, and as you can see above, getting them to stay on was a piece of cake. But since he must be vision impaired, yes, it helps that he looks like a baby model. What, you want a picture? Okay.
A: That is not a question, and also a stupid thing to say, because everyone wants their kid to have a vision impediment. Thanks for playing, weirdo.
Q: My kid also got glasses at a very young age. Do you want to hear our life story?
A: Yes, of course, because we are in the cool kid club now and we must exchange secret handshakes and commiserate.
Q: His glasses don't stay on very well. You should put on one of those strings on the back.
A: For some reason this is never a question, but a command. Thank you random person at the grocery store, we had not thought of such an elegant solution. Except we did, and we tried it, and it made him behave like a rabid dog trying to pull the glasses of his head and scratch his face and mangle his glasses, so it was a rousing success. But it was so awesome we like to save it for special occasions like dinner parties.
Q: How do you keep him from breaking or losing them?
A; This is the only advice I shall give if you ever have a small child with glasses. Get the warranty. We are frequent fliers at the Walmart vision center and in almost three months have been in about half a dozen times to have them repaired and just got one of them totally replaced, absolutely free! Because Walmart loves nerds! As far as losing them goes, it is inevitable that eventually we will lose them for good. We have already had to retrieve them from the school yard, under the car in the garage, deep in the depths of our armchairs and couches, under beds, and in cupboards. But there is a small but dedicated part of my brain that seems to have specialized and does nothing but keep track of where I lost saw Ethan's glasses and make sure they are on his face. Jessie's brain does not have this special Glasses Nazi Area, so maybe someone in neurology should study that.
Well, that's probably a pretty good wrap up. If you have any other questions, feel free to hang around Walmart until we happen by, because this is where all serious medical consultations are held. He is pretty dratted cute though. He certainly looks pretty smart, though I have my doubts about his actual intelligence after watching him bang into walls repeatedly. But there's time.
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